The Hardest Word

I grew up in a family where we aren’t used to hugging or kissing each other. We don’t show affection by way of saying ‘I love you’ and the likes. My dad, who is supposed to be the most mature part of the tree, grew up with us. In my younger years, his way of showing authority is by showing anger, strength – really, such a bully, even to his kids. My brother and I would fight and hurt each other really badly. When we come to our senses, a simple tap on the shoulder would do it. Not really the traditional ‘I am sorry’, but I think it did it for us.

I have learned to forgive my dad over the years. In fact, I think I have learned to respect him, and love him eventually. He was the 5^th kid in the brood. I, in my ‘extended families’ (friends as defined in every dictionary), have learned the power of touch, of saying ‘sorry’ and ‘I love you’. In fact, I think I have learned to put it to use in my own family. It was kind of awkward the first time I said ‘I love you’ to my mom – I was already 30 years old then. Every now and then, I’d say it to my sisters and I felt good.

Years ago, my stepfather Steve died. My brother and I were talking on the phone for hours, crying over the lost chance to make our daddy Steve feel how much we love him. At the end of the conversation, I said ‘I love you’ to my brother – for the first time, ever. Nothing can be heard after that, just a continuous sound of sobs, my sobs – which seemed to be echoed at the other end of the line. I guess it made us cry harder.

I hurt a VIP last night. When I came back to my senses, I felt like the same child I was again. Saying sorry felt like I was subjected to lethal injection.

Pride. Ego. Hormonal imbalance. I don’t know what to blame anymore.

You see, it is a common misconception that if we break our walls down, if we show our true emotion – it could make us weak and vulnerable. It doesn’t. Holding back our emotions and building that wall makes us isolated from the rest of the world, from the people who matter.

With this, allow me to borrow one of ex-President Gloria Arroyo’s (in)famous lines.

I am sorry.